I have loved school since I was a little girl. Neither of my parents graduated high school. Getting my GED was something I never thought I would have to get. I have tried several times to get into Georgia Universities, yet I had some major life complications that has made my applications get rejected. I decided I didn't need school anyway; I would acquire more knowledge than my friends with PHDs. We have the internet for God's sake. I can learn whatever I want.
With this renegade attitude I have attempted to start some websites with the goal of shared knowledge and wisdoms. I got connected to different-way-of-life revolutions. There are people doing some really amazing and huge things.
Ok, I have had to become a bit of idealist. I am also a realist, and am awake to the lessons history has taught us. There are adverse consequences. Emerson runs through my mind more frequently than my friends. I heavily ponder taking off for the woods, getting away from these wretched humans.
But then I can't escape myself. At least not in this life. So I would still be stuck with a wretch, in very close quarters even. I can prove the String Theory in my thinking. I end right back where I started- maybe as a society we need each other. The ones who fail, and the ones who succeed.
This morning, November 21, 2010 I discovered free education. Free courses available from some of the greatest universities in the world. I fell apart, realizing I have discovered what I didn't even know I was looking for. We can share education!
The first lecture I listened to was an introduction to the history of Physics by Cathy Carson at the University of Berkley, California. She discussed history as a study of humans, always growing and progressing. To "historize" the present. I predict if we open our hearts to listen and share our experiences we can progress at an exponentially faster rate than ever before. Our networks and connections I still cannot wrap my mind around the potential for great things. This is an episode of the Twilight Zone.
Instead of filling our head with garbage videos, we can become masters of our own education. We can study whatever we want! The possibilities are endless.
The Season of Falling
A girl heard me singing last night.. oh no. Now I cannot go out in public.
Bother.
My stomach is upset, metaphysics darlin'...
I reread a notebook from July 2008. Yikes. It was so sad, yet discusses my important task of documenting my time here.
I still feel empty; I still feel ripped apart.
Things have improved. I am growing. I must prevail. no longer giving anything up.
I detest my penmanship, so remarkably illegible, I was told this is a defense mechanism. So posting things on the web erases that barrier.
Each stroke is a mockery I suppose.
I am not allone, and must keep the darkness at bay.
Bother.
My stomach is upset, metaphysics darlin'...
I reread a notebook from July 2008. Yikes. It was so sad, yet discusses my important task of documenting my time here.
I still feel empty; I still feel ripped apart.
Things have improved. I am growing. I must prevail. no longer giving anything up.
I detest my penmanship, so remarkably illegible, I was told this is a defense mechanism. So posting things on the web erases that barrier.
Each stroke is a mockery I suppose.
I am not allone, and must keep the darkness at bay.
I tried to hitch-hike this mourning
I tried to hitch-hike this mourning. I was dropped off at my job at this dirty cafe, and walked home. No one would pick me up. Then I passed by some middle-schoolers and one girl said "Are you getting on our bus?" At 24 going on 85, I will take this a compliment. "No," I gasped, "But don't be a foole, stay in school."
Life is the Great Adventure
Be brave and accepting of all that has happened and what is to come next. Onward lil' Spark! O what strife is such life; O mon Dieu, je suis tres blesse!
There have been plenty of misadventures...
I am barely functional without a notebook, and write now writing with a fat, bleeding through pen...tho I am grateful and not content. TRY.
Normalement I am responsible and allways travel with my alarm clock. However, this 27+ houres day has rendered me sort of uselss this night. My neglect for my cell phone and neglect of a certain nursing home has made me lose an entire's night's sleep. Tho I usually throughout my dayes here manage to wake up early. This particular evening i am troubled with the knowledge that I could sleep all day tomorrow. My tomorrow is a heavy day, and I fear due to my current state of fatigue I could very easily sleep through my early mourning appointment.
There have been plenty of misadventures...
I am barely functional without a notebook, and write now writing with a fat, bleeding through pen...tho I am grateful and not content. TRY.
Normalement I am responsible and allways travel with my alarm clock. However, this 27+ houres day has rendered me sort of uselss this night. My neglect for my cell phone and neglect of a certain nursing home has made me lose an entire's night's sleep. Tho I usually throughout my dayes here manage to wake up early. This particular evening i am troubled with the knowledge that I could sleep all day tomorrow. My tomorrow is a heavy day, and I fear due to my current state of fatigue I could very easily sleep through my early mourning appointment.
Life is a bit easier to stomach with some Dead Can Dance in the background.
I'd like to think thinkgs don't matter that much. Nothing is "that big of a deal." What I find out in the end is far worse than I could ever have seen before, (O but you have seen it all too.)
There comes a time in certain people's lives when we look down in horror. We have been as Dr. Victor, and we have created a monster bigger than ourselves that seeks to avenge us.
I didn't know.
I was warned.
I am now warning you. We are in control of how we use our talents and how we can impact the world. If we create something so terrible it onely leads people's soules in the wrong direction? Or it is nameless and relentless in its chase for you.
How can I escape? As we are the poetic fate.
I am over aiming my luck for the tragic ending. O how I love to torture myself with my misery. Careful now. You see, some terrible things started happening to me. I dove deeper into darkness. Documenting my fears, glorifying my nightmares. I let my panickes run rampant in my thought life. I found all these reasons, all the shits life has taken on me, and I wallowed. I dwelled. The labryinth of depression went on and on, new levels. The light was dimmed so I could barely see, but my vision had been adjusted to the shadows.
Self -deprecation became my favorite pastime. I have learned at a young age how to make myself very physically ill. I torture myself and never complain to the outside world. I write down what I have done to myself, as some sick metaphysical explination to my current state of mind. I would write "Proof you see! Proof of just how miserable I am. The metaphysics are true."
A friend once told me "These are forces you don't understand, Jessica. You shouldn't mess with them."
I quoted him that day a little over a year ago, but dabbling I could not stop.
Thus I brushed death twice MORE. As if I haven't had enough tough, dramatic lessons.
My heart feels different. Alive with every passing emotion in a room. I'm so broken I can barely speak.
I am once againe thankful to be alive. For the first time in a long while.
There comes a time in certain people's lives when we look down in horror. We have been as Dr. Victor, and we have created a monster bigger than ourselves that seeks to avenge us.
I didn't know.
I was warned.
I am now warning you. We are in control of how we use our talents and how we can impact the world. If we create something so terrible it onely leads people's soules in the wrong direction? Or it is nameless and relentless in its chase for you.
How can I escape? As we are the poetic fate.
I am over aiming my luck for the tragic ending. O how I love to torture myself with my misery. Careful now. You see, some terrible things started happening to me. I dove deeper into darkness. Documenting my fears, glorifying my nightmares. I let my panickes run rampant in my thought life. I found all these reasons, all the shits life has taken on me, and I wallowed. I dwelled. The labryinth of depression went on and on, new levels. The light was dimmed so I could barely see, but my vision had been adjusted to the shadows.
Self -deprecation became my favorite pastime. I have learned at a young age how to make myself very physically ill. I torture myself and never complain to the outside world. I write down what I have done to myself, as some sick metaphysical explination to my current state of mind. I would write "Proof you see! Proof of just how miserable I am. The metaphysics are true."
A friend once told me "These are forces you don't understand, Jessica. You shouldn't mess with them."
I quoted him that day a little over a year ago, but dabbling I could not stop.
Thus I brushed death twice MORE. As if I haven't had enough tough, dramatic lessons.
My heart feels different. Alive with every passing emotion in a room. I'm so broken I can barely speak.
I am once againe thankful to be alive. For the first time in a long while.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
